The Arnold has proven again what we already knew: that America is the land of opportunity. It is a place where anyone from humble origins can work hard to build a life, build a family, and prosper. Ivory-tower-stuffed-shirt-types have always hated America for this. They actually want political candidates with experience, who actually have a proven record to run on. They don't appreciate the democratic nature of a place where a bodybuilder can become a millionaire and movie star, and another millionaire can finance an electoral recall authorized by 2 percent of the state so the millionaire movie star can run for governor.

Fox News Vice President John Moody recently ordered an end to the wordplay revolving around Arnold Schwarzenegger's bid to be Governor of California. There will be no more "Total Recall" or "Governator" graphics on Fox's Fair & Balanced reports. Bad puns and double entendre have nothing to do with a serious candidate like the Arnold, Moody says. He's not to be lumped in with the porn star or the sitcom midget. We should take Arnold's candidacy as seriously as the candidate himself is taking it. And in Arnold's own words, he's going to "pump up Sacramento." He's a real candidate with real ideas.

Since Schwarzenegger has no actual experience in public policy, it will be difficult for him to run on his record like most serious candidates do. But we're going to try to take him seriously. Or at least try to try. So let's look at his record.

The elections of Michael Bloomberg, Mark Warner, Craig Benson and other CEOs show that the American people are ready for capable business leaders to take public office. Like them, Schwarzenegger is nothing if not a business leader. He has parlayed the millions of dollars he's earned as an actor into several high-profile business ventures, such as the big shopping mall in Denver that was never built. And of course there's Arnold's involvement with Planet Hollywood, which floundered for years and eventually went into bankruptcy. Coincidentally, the restaurant chain got out of bankruptcy and began to prosper the week after Schwarzenegger announced his departure from the company. He has one Executive Producer credit, for "The Last Action Hero." That means Arnold was an Executive at least once, and the movie studio only lost an estimated $20 million in the process. Our advice to Arnold is to hang in there; the presidency of George W. Bush shows that the American people might be ready for another incapable businessman who squanders his millions.

The good news for Arnold is that in America, gone are outmoded methods of determining who's fit and who's not. Gone are the days when qualifications mattered. It's the quality of a candidate's ideas that matter, not his actual ability to administer policy, right? We want to believe in the Arnold. We want to believe that our system wouldn't let just any unqualified muscleman millionaire into the Governor's office because he's got the bank to buy votes.

Since Arnold hasn't talked specifically about any of his political ideas, GUSTO would like to help Team Schwarzenegger out. We looked to his body of work and have created a platform that will propel California into the 22nd Century and beyond.

No Martian dictators. [Total Recall]

Zygotes should be split evenly, or Danny DeVito will happen. [Twins]

Earth should be heated to human body temperature so predator aliens can't prey on our species. [Predator]

Cyborgs must be stopped. [Terminator]

Mothers deserve our sympathy… and laughter. [Junior]

No more weaklings and no more fatties. [President's Council on Fitness]

Cyborgs must be stopped. For real this time. [T2: Judgment Day]

Police work is more enjoyable when ethnic mismatches are involved. [Red Heat]

Though it would get big ratings, capital punishment should not be a game show. [Running Man]

Every citizen deserves oxygen. [Total Recall]

Magic crystal protection is vital to our country's survival. [Conan the Destroyer]

Seriously. These Cyborgs are mean machines. [Terminator 3]

Finally, the most important lesson we've learned from Arnold's stellar record is:

Fans shouldn't inhabit movies and movie stars shouldn't inhabit real life. [Last Action Hero]

About Harry Swartz-Turfle

Talk Arghnold at the The Water Cooler