I'm grumpy this week. As if carrying around a five-plus pound baby while suffering from back pains and knees that seem sure to give out on me any minute, I tuned into "The Tonight Show" on Tuesday to be treated to the worst attempt at damage control by Ben Affleck that I've ever seen.

Now, I'm not in PR; I'm not a manager or an agent, but what in the hell is Ben thinking? Who could have advised him to do this? First of all, I'm not sure WHY he was on the show since he had been on prior to "Gigli" coming out. It seems he was on the show to make fun of "Gigli" and admit that the movie sucked, to deny the "sex with a stripper" scandal and to assure us that the wedding is still on. I'm sorry, but does the phrase "thou dost protest too much" come to mind?

Of course, Ben went on and on about the mind blowing, intense media scrutiny that he and JHo are under, and I think he wanted us to feel sorry for them. As if they didn't ask for this! Why is it that other celebrities are able to have a relationship without every move they make being reported in the press? I don't remember Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston's every move being splashed on the covers of US and People. Then again, they realized that in order to maintain some sort of normalcy and privacy, they couldn't go out every night and they certainly didn't invite "Access Hollywood" into their home while Jen made fried chicken for Brad.

Maybe it's just my pregnancy hormones talking, but I think the difference between The Bennifers and other celebs boils down to class -- something they're greatly lacking.

What is it with Nicole Kidman and short guys? Lenny Kravitz is downright wee!

A pal of actress Nicole Kidman has confirmed the Oscar-winner is dating rocker Lenny Kravitz -- following a series of reports claiming the pair were spending nights together. The glamorous couple have hired a luxury yacht for a three-week break in the south of France next month, after Nicole finishes filming on her latest movie -- a remake of The Stepford Wives. A pal of the showbiz pair says, "It's the real thing and they'll step out together in public sooner rather than later. They're having fun and enjoying those first flushes of romance. He makes her laugh and is very attentive. They're both very happy." Hitmaker Lenny was spotted canoodling with the leggy stunner on June 21 in Manhattan's Soho House, two nights before they attended Sean 'P Diddy' Combs's birthday party together. They've since been spotted enjoying a string of intimate dinner dates. The friend adds, "It started out as friends but has moved on very quickly. He's quirky and cool -- very different to the usual sort of guy she goes for." Since splitting from husband Tom Cruise in 2001, Nicole has been linked to pop star Robbie Williams and Tobey Maguire. Reports also claim her relationship with British hunk Jude Law caused the actor's highly publicized split with his wife Sadie Frost -- something she heavily denied. Dread-locked rocker Lenny's many conquests include Vanessa Paradis, Madonna, Kylie Minogue, Natalie Imbruglia and Naomi Campbell. (IMDB.com)

Oh yeah, this makes sense. Courtney really does seem Brando-like crazy.

Marlon Brando has been revealed as the unexpected grandfather of wild rocker Courtney Love in a new book. The singer's mother, psychologist Linda Carroll, claims she has taken DNA tests to confirm she is the Godfather star's daughter. Love, former wife of Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain, says, "I am incredibly shocked by this news. I have heard Mr. Brando has more than 30 children so I can't imagine how many cousins I have." The link is Linda's mother, novelist Paula Fox. She met Brando in the 1940's through famed drama teacher Stella Adler, and the two enjoyed a brief liaison. However, it is not known whether 79-year-old recluse Brando knows that Linda -- who was given up for adoption -- was the result of this. Brando has 11 acknowledged children, although is thought to have many more. Carroll's book in which she makes the revelation, is as yet unreleased. (IMDB.com)

There's no tape, so JHo doesn't believe it happened. Who else wants to slap her??

Jennifer Lopez has given the strongest indication yet that her wedding to Ben Affleck is still on -- by asking Vera Wang to design her wedding dress. The singer's relationship has been at the center of intense speculation after American tabloid The National Enquirer claimed her actor beau had cheated on her during a night at a strip club. However, acclaimed designer Wang has been approached and asked to ensure the outfit is ready for Lopez by the end of this month. A source close to Wang says, "Jennifer has asked Vera Wang to design her wedding dress. She didn't give Vera a date, but said the dress has to be ready by August 24. Jennifer also asked Vera to recommend a wedding outfit designer for Ben." Although both stars' representatives refused to comment on the latest information, one of Lopez's pals admits, "Jennifer has always said she wants to be married by the fall and at the end of August she and Ben have a break from their filming." Of the allegations which nearly wrecked their relationship, another adds, "There doesn't seem to be a tape (of the stripper incident), so Jennifer doesn't believe it happened." (IMDB.com)

I don't know why I love these two together so much because separately, I don't really give a shit about either of them.

Sandra Bullock looks to be back in the arms of her hunky ex Matthew McConaughey, after splitting with her younger lover. The star was snapped visiting Matthew at his home in Beverly Hills, just weeks after breaking up with 22-year-old Ryan Gosling. Bullock, 39, and McConaughey, 33, both appeared to have enjoyed a party to celebrate their reunion, as the photos show them to be disheveled, with McConaughey picking up his newspaper in his underwear and Sandra emerging hours later. A source tells British newspaper The Daily Star, "It's not surprise to see Sandra and Matthew back together as they have always been in love. It was a surprise when they split up and it's great to see them back together." (IMDB.com)

Nice! Although, I have heard that Ashton has no worries in the, um, "size" department….

Brittany Murphy has slammed the size of ex-flame Ashton Kutcher's manhood -- on a top-rated American TV show. The star was appearing on The David Letterman Show when she was asked about Ashton's relationship with older woman Demi Moore. The giggly Uptown Girls actress replied, "I suppose the crux of their relationship basically means to him that age doesn't matter and to her that size doesn't matter. Good going for him, I suppose." When the shocked audience erupted into laughter, Brittany backtracked hysterically, insisting, "Kidding, I'm just kidding, he was always a huge Bruce Willis fan. Oh Lord yes, of course I'm teasing." She added, "They're great and he's great. Just not for me. I'm sorry." (IMDB.com)

Classic!

Many were concerned it would happen, and it finally has. Paris Jackson, daughter of Michael, has been spotted bandaged up to the gills, wearing not a muslin anti-kidnap veil but some kind of medical dressing. According to sources, the five-year-old 'fell down at Neverland and broke her nose.'

Rather accident prone himself, her dad has fallen down on many, many occasions over the years, and proved to be absolutely fine after a period of recuperation far away from the world's gaze. Friends and family well remember the time he stumbled in his youth and eventually got up white. His spokespeople have laughed off any suggestion of juvenile rhinoplasty, dismissing it as nasal scaremongering. 'It happened two months ago,' one laughed. 'It's all healed, it was just a fall on the stairs.' When people say to you have your father's nose, Paris, start to get worried. Mind you, it's nothing a quick trip downstairs wouldn't cure. (Peoplenews.com)

I like Salma's taste in men. It's a little boring, but I still like it.

Salma Hayek has found a shoulder to cry on after splitting from Edward Norton, in the shape of Sweet Home Alabama hunk Josh Lucas. The couple has been seen out and about in Hollywood in recent weeks, and friends are convinced they're set to become Tinseltown's next big couple. Norton and Hayek split up last month after a long romance. (IMDB.com)

Does anyone care about Brandy?

R&B star Brandy has been spotted snuggling up to "2 Fast 2 Furious" star Tyrese -- sparking rumors the pair are a romantic couple.

The two have been friends for years, but when diners spotted them kissing and cuddling during a meal at Ashton Kutcher's Dolce restaurant, it was clear they're closer than ever. (SFGate.com)

About Nikki B.

Got a tip? E-mail Nikki

Talk gossip at the The Water Cooler

Past Columns:
September 12: Britney retreads Christina.
September 5: Scientologist superstars sign their freedoms away.
August 29: Arghnold says Oui to orgies.
August 22: In P. Diddy she trusts.
August 17: Courtney Love: The horror! The horror!
August 8: Who's wearing a Red Lobster bib with his thong?
August 1: Everyone loves a washed-up MTV hack.
July 28: Chris Penn puts a midget in his place.