"The Real World" conquers the moon

Thank god for "The Real World." Seriously. Just when you think everything is okay in reality TV's universe, one of those wacky kids (seven strangers, actually) goes and does something so profoundly stupid you can finally be glad you didn't try out for the next season of Survivor (Now conquering… the MOON!).

25-year-old Robin Hiddard, a Real World cast member and former bartender, managed somehow to get so wasted that she thought it would be a grand idea to DECK a Marine (a Marine!) when a camera crew was tagging behind. Didn't anyone teach her that suckerpunching someone who has been trained to fight and KILL is only a good idea when there isn't video evidence? I mean, honest to god, that has to be only obvious.

I guess being on "The Real World" in the first place kind of precludes having any common sense. Name one of the myriad cast members who managed to have any type of entertainment career beyond endless reruns upon marathons upon reruns of every single bloody detail of eight weeks of their lives. (And no, I don't count the Playboy "Girls of the Real World" spread. I saw it, and all I could think was how sad Beth from season two (!) must be, considering that she was asked to pose showering ten YEARS after she was on the television show. Just in case anyone ever asked "Whatever happened to that really whiny chick from Los Angeles?" I suppose. Also, nice boobies.)

Right, so, beyond the nakey. Nothing. Even Eric Nies has managed to fall off the general pop culture spectrum. Yet you know every one of the "cast members" is convinced that She! Will! Be! The! One! who breaks the Real World curse and rockets to superstardom, eating beef wellington and drinking the only bottle left of some rare champagne while sitting next to Julia Roberts on the top secret space rides celebrities get to take to the utterly fantastic spa on the moon where Botox injections have all of the benefits and only half of the drawbacks. Which half, I'm not sure, but I don't think it really matters.

I blame "The Real World" for every schmuck who thinks his life would be interesting enough to get a show on ABC. For the mere invention of camgirls and wishlists. For the guy I saw on Michigan Avenue last week breakdancing while dressed up as the freakin' Tin Man. For every single normal person in the United States who thinks his or her life is interesting enough to be a TV show. I've said it before: we are all boring. The only reason those people get picked is because they are all brats and don't know when to compromise, so fighting is inevitable. Perhaps every time you go to the grocery store, you end up throwing tomatoes and punching your castmates while the store manager turns purple with rage, especially when he realizes he is being taped. Perhaps your hobby is suckerpunching Marines in the back of the neck. Perhaps you're convinced that you can ride the space shuttle with the big stars, in which case "The Real World" auditions for next year should be starting soon. Hey, also, free rent. And a stipend! Wheeeeeeeeee!

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Talk TV at the The Water Cooler

Past Columns:
July 28: July is the cruelest month, at least if you're watching TV
August 5: The fall television lineup: the worst of the worst
August 12: Fall's trainwrecks
August 19: Goodbye to all that
August 26: Performing As... LOVE!
September 2: Dream cable channels