GUSTO: BitchSlap by Elizabeth F. Stewart: The gloves are off.

What to wear . . . ?! The Bitch often savors the moments she spends selecting her attire for playtime. So much is decided when she chooses her clothing: To be toppish or not; to be herself, or someone in a costumed role; to show a generous or a teasing amount of skin. Picking out stockings and tights, with lingerie and shoes, is an artsy moment when the Bitch thinks color, texture, mood, character, choreography, lights, sound, action!

But, truly, a prime motivation in her hosiery selection is that Mr. X has always paid lavish attention to the Bitch's legs (and what he generously refers to as her "shapely" ass). So, she always enjoys selecting intriguing legwear for his appreciation -- unusually woven tights or classic stockings and garters. When recently asked, he confessed that the black fishnet tights with saucy cutouts on each cheek are his favorite, because they show off the Bitch's legs and let him worship her ass in the tender style to which he has gratefully become accustomed.

How lovely! Being a grownup does have its benefits. The Bitch finally gets to wear whatever, whenever she wants (almost)! Always impatient to become an adult, poor 10 year-old La Petite Bitchette yearned to wear nylon stockings. The humiliating white ankle socks and "sensible" oxfords that she was cruelly forced to wear ill-suited her personal style. If only her parents had been negligent, allowing her to wear poorly-made shoes like the other children so she wouldn't have felt feel so freakish. But no, they had to care about her well-being. She tried to be patient -- knowing someday she could wear cheap shoes and nylons anytime she wanted. Well, now she can wear sleazy fuck-me pumps 'n' cheezy hose any day -- life is sweet.

But in those bleak, pre-teen days her secret dreams were 1) to become a pop singer like Dusty Springfield; and: 2) to wear nylons. We formulated a vague plot to somehow get onto the television show "Amateur Hour," ("American Idol" on hog tranquilizers), to sing! She had no doubts whatsoever about her vocal talent. Getting her mother's permission to audition seemed far more challenging. Beyond that hurdle lay certain stardom and the glamorous lifestyle of a nylon-stocking-wearing, pop-singing-celebrity! The ingenious principle behind this plan was that "no decent mother would force her daughter to make her national television singing debut in white ankle socks." It would be simply too heinous for words! Somehow the gravity of the situation was lost on her mother. Pathetically, La Petite Bitchette's voice was not shared with the world and she was sentenced to a few more years of hairy legs, white ankle socks and shoes that were so ugly they had to become retro-fashionable years later (suede Hush Puppies).

Somehow she survived to wear her first pair of nylons to the 8th grade dance, at 13.

A Pyrrhic victory, La Bitchette was rigidly encased in a Chubette panty girdle or somesuch Fresh Hell, with garters to hook on the seamless beige hose with top welt and reinforced heel and toe ("RHT," in hosiery lingo). The entire regalia was plain as tighty whiteys -- everyone wore them.

By the late '60s and early '70s, for trendoids, miniskirts mandated pantihose and tights. Then, for the Bitch, mostly a blur of blue jeans, bralessness and the hairy legs of artsy bohemian/feminist activism replaced Mod neon fishnets and psychedelic colored yippie tights. Then she wore yuppie tights. But, decades later, her personal Hosiery Renaissance dawned with her interest in BDSM and erotic lingerie at 42. Suddenly her legs drew attention, and she was again buying garter belts and stockings -- and feeling like zee sex kee-ten!

How strange that mere wisps of the finest silks which today grace feminine legs exciting hot desire, can trace their crudest beginnings to rank animal skins protecting barely human legs, wrapped and bound with leather thongs for warmth. Surprisingly, from earliest history, men showed more leg than women until the 1920s when there was a seismic shift in American women's social behavior due to many influences. The Bitch will leave it others to debate which came first as causes or effects, but seriously shorter hemlines exposed stocking tops, garters and flashes of female leg which had never before been seen in polite society. Good girls, it's said, went wild--especially between WWI and the Great Depression. Women finally won the right to vote in 1920, then left the family parlors and porches to go out in the newly-accessible automobiles with boys (or other lesbians), and went off to school or work in record numbers. They listened to jazz music, drank bootleg liquor and became more sexually active. Silent films, and then the talkies depicted the new woman -- the flapper.

Nylon stockings were first sold in 1940 and became wildly popular, but during WWII they were in very short supply, so many women actually drew stocking seams on the backs of their legs with eyebrown pencil to imitate WWII's #1 pin-up girl, Betty Grable.

The tail end of the everyday gartered hose period is coincidentally captured in the 1967 era-defining film, "The Graduate."

The Bitch wonders, if it had not been the typical attire of that day, would Mrs. Robinson (Ann Bancroft) have been wearing that gartered hose she unfastens in the iconic poster image? When she strips the stocking from her leg in the foreground, it frames her prey, Ben (Dustin Hoffman) so perfectly in her sights, and we know she has nailed him. But, if the film was made, say, seven years later -- pantihose? Oh, no, God! Bless you. Pleeease, Mrs. Robinson!

One reason why the Bitch is so erotically repulsed by pantihose is a bizarre nightmare wherein that bossy Martha Stewart forced her to perform cunnilingus on her through chintzy white nylon pantihose (sans culottes). The Bitch rests her extremely compelling case, aware that at this moment there are numerous readers reaching for lube and tissues. To each his own!

Thus, everyone has a distinct preference and sense of personal style. With so many materials, textures and colors, tremendous variety and inventiveness are possible. A recent convert to stockings, The Wench, a 40 year-old woman, says she has "sewn garters onto the bottoms of boy underwear legs (the long-legged Calvin Klein fitted kind) -- very genderfuck, and no garter belt -- very practical, and so boy-crossed-with-punky-schoolgirl. Looks great with army boots." Speaking of genderfuck, who could forget Tim Curry as Dr. Frank N. Furter in "The Rocky Horror Show"(1975), in his signature garterbelt and sheer, shredded black hose?

One of my NY sorority sisters, a wicked partner, the dreamy photographer Michele Serchuk, has a unique way of wearing stockings -- fascinating yet disturbing on her lovely, ivory-colored legs: beige fishnet tights under sheer black stockings, held up with black elastic garters. Fishnets under sheers give a purely textural impression as if it is a natural skin surface, hence, disturbing, but cool. P.S. She has stunning stems.

It's merely legwear, for Lord's sake -- why erotic? Could it be because the hose-covered leg leads directly to the sex? For sensualists, het or gay, it might be simply because they get hard or wet from the soft, silky touch of the material. But, a shod, hose-covered leg is a veritable fetish theme park: Feet, legs, ass, vulva, and body hair; shoes, boots; stockings, pantihose, tights, short socks, and kneehighs; panties, girdles, and garters. Then there are the sub-categories of all the manufactured objects and the diverse materials from which they are constructed -- too much to get into here!

"Stockings add excitement because they're something to take off -- or, leave on," commented the Bitch's own handsome, debonair brother. "And they're exclusively feminine. After all," he wryly observed, "you absolutely never hear a woman ask a man, 'Ooo, Honey -- leave your socks on when you fuck me.'"

The Wench concurs, "As for boys, I hate dark-colored thin nylon socks. Urk." Taking a new tack, she says, "I do like white cotton socks, which strangely seem to be a huge turnoff for many women." That is a new one. However, the Bitch knows there are het men who like girls in socks, and gay men whose fetish is socks and/or guys in socks and/or guys who leave their socks on -- for days at a time -- and that there are pay porn sites for all this.

"C," on a UK hose-enthusiasts' web site, enjoys wearing ladies' hose concealed under his male attire while out and about:

"G," a het crossdresser on the same site was previously divorced over his crossdressing:

Het crossdressers are not uncommon, though they are much misunderstood. A very high-profile, yet low-key het cross-dresser is the incredible, irreverent comic performer Eddie Izzard, who describes himself as an "action transvestite." Blessed with a great fashion sense, he has gorgeous gams to sport the nylons, macrofishnets and tight, sexy boots he loves.

Also a het man, Elfin's hosiery experience began during summer Renaissance Faires, with heavy cotton/lycra tights. He learned that, "skin-fitting clothes such as tights magnify every little touch, which can make foreplay a lot of fun! I do own a couple of pairs of running tights that I can wear legitimately for working out in cooler weather, which I enjoy for their sensuality." He admitted, "I find wearing such, and seeing others in them, a turn-on, so it must be a fetish."

In the Bitch's weekly relentless search to bring her readers the usual relevant exposition, wacky backstory and giddy ephemera, she was researching Renaissance legwear and naturally became fascinated with certain prominent characteristics , when she stumbled upon a fortuitous scholarly resource, well-endowed with codpiece lore. Unfamiliar with the codpiece? It's "a flap or a bag, attached to the front to conceal the opening in a man's tights."

The Bitch concurs with her colleagues. It is simply too far-fetched to believe that a man would adorn himself so grandly for the sole purpose of making his cock appear larger than his own natural size.

Elizabeth F. Stewart, AKA "The Bitch of Dupont Circle" (BoDC), was lovingly given this Nomme de Perv by her mentor in the leather community, because she is a bitch, as well as a denizen of that 'hood in Washington DC. She is an art director (see www.efstewart.com) and writer (see also www.pervgrrl.org), whose fave hobbies include cracking wise, dressing up, getting off, telling others where to get off, and arranging things in an attractive fashion.