GUSTO: BitchSlap by Elizabeth F. Stewart: The gloves are off.

The Bitch simply adores muffs. She prefers thick, furry ones -- in mink or ermine -- to warm her hands in winter. She relishes a dive into one year 'round, but prefers the diving platform be ... cleared for takeoff. She likes her partners shaved, or at least well-trimmed, "down there." The Bitch is certainly not alone. Look no further than television and the proliferation of depilation services in spas and salons for proof. Be it au natural, "enhanced," or none at all, body hair style is an aesthetic expression, conscious or not.

Certainly for women, daring to go bare is not just for getting one's freak on anymore. Women tidy up, a little bit or all the way, for summer if not all year 'round by shaving or bikini waxing at home or in salons. Consider the source, but the Remington shaver company in the UK conducted a survey of 500 women and found 36 percent had trimmed their hair into "a specific design."

"The most popular shape was a heart but others choose the first letter of their partner's name," Kay Downs, managing director of Remington UK, said. "We are responding to the soaring popularity of bikini trimming and shaping."

Of the 79 percent of women who said they trimmed their pubic hair, 27 percent have had a "racing strip" of hair left down the center. Other styles included "The Beckham," a Mohawk down the middle; or a completely clean shave, "The Hollywood."

OK, "landing strips" are just silly, clinging to a pathetic vestige of propriety afforded by a patch on the snatch. And shaving pix in pubes might be "spicy vanilla," but the Bitch thinks this is freaky, like making crop circles rather than simply harvesting the damn wheat down to the soil.

Joining women in our age-old cosmetic oppression are het men. From whence cometh this growing brouhaha about "inappropriate hairiness?" Someone will blame it on feminism eventually -- the emasculation of the American male due to women demanding equal pay for equal work, blah, blah, blah. Whatever -- it's reflected in mass media and the growing general grooming (and depilation) business targeted specifically at het men. The marketing has a definite de-feminizing angle, i.e. pedicures are "foot treatments," and he can have them done in semi-private areas. The "Grooming Lounge" in Washington DC touts its low-key depilation service as "Wax It - If 'hair shouldn't be there,' we'll remove it...$25+" Or, if they prefer, "generally hairy dudes" can get this "to go" waxing kit.

The Bitch noticed the first anti-back-hair buzz on "Sex and the City" when a guy had his extremely hairy back waxed to please his girlfriend. Probably what will start a quiet het male stampede to the macho-ized depilation parlors is the Bitch's fave new TV show, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."

When the Fab Five makes the het guy over (bitchily, but with warmth and humanity) hair removal of all sorts is key, especially the dreaded "nosehair situation." One very reluctant hairy guy got his back waxed for the first time on camera, literally screaming and crying. They also "manscaped" his chest and torso hair, offering this tip: "If your body hair is freakishly long, try trimming it with an electric hair trimmer. Manscaping done well can make a midsection look thinner and just about anything else look bigger." Damn, if only those boys weren't bound by network standards!

Body hair has been removed throughout history with only brief periods of stubble growing out. Historians view as evidence the clean, hairless lines of sculpture and various other artwork throughout the world over time. Written evidence forbidding genital depilation during various periods in specific cultures also exists.

There were periods in history when the shaven area was covered with a pubic wig called a merkin for various reasons, including variety, disguise and fetish. One can actually purchase a merkin today if necessary. (The Bitch does try to be of service.)

The UK's online newspaper, "Guardian Unlimited" has some fascinating merkin lore for you:

Save on merkins and grow your own, gals! There are legions of fans waiting to worship at the hairy altar of your womanhood. No one I know personally represents the pro-female pube faction, so I did a search online for "hirsute women" and it turned up endless sites, because there's a fetish for every kind of woman. I found a pay porn site presenting a good case for big muff love: "Hairy babes are undoubtably [sic] arousing. They represent a tactile eroticism. Body hair is fascinating and attractive sending out powerful sexual signals. Hair helps trap the body's natural pheromones, a powerful turn on to most men. Small wonder that men find bushy girls to be the sexiest."

Also in the pro-male pube camp is my dear old friend Sparrow Boy, who says wryly, "I like to think of it as the welcome mat."

Surveying my pervy Phi Diva Kappa leather sorority sisters on this topic netted the usual outrageous range of responses for the Bitch's readers. When queried on her pube preferences, Midori quickly quipped: "I don't want to see a wild garden, but a manicured lawn. I don't want to be surprised by critters in the tall weeds!" The FetishDiva has been captivated by the idea of getting to shave a butch ever since seeing the 1993 Herb Ritts photo on the cover of "Vanity Fair," cover featuring Cindy Crawford shaving k.d.lang.

Since then Midori has painstakingly perfected her technique (as she always does before trying risky play on humans, as a prominent expert in Japanese bondage) and has enjoyed some exciting shaving scenes with hot butches of her dreams.

This also lets her stretch her wings in some fun gender role play. To learn safe straight-razor technique many practice for long hours on balloons covered in shaving cream before touching real skin. Of course, safety razors are often used as well, especially by those not as steady-handed or as interested in perfecting straight-razor technique. Still, if you enjoy the frisson of controlled risk, the fun of any shaving scene is the hint of danger balanced by trust. Midori loves role-playing the vamp, the femme fatale -- a gorgeous creature who is seductive and flirtatious, but could cut your throat at any second.

Shaving is often an activity in dominance/submission role-play and works well in combination with bondage between very skilled and trusting partners. The act of shaving one's own genitalia is a very frequent request which a dominant will make of a submissive for various purposes: whim, demanding a gesture of submission, personal preference in aesthetics and hygiene, and fetish. My friend Susan, had a gay boy slave shave her pussy as a gesture of submission to her, obviously something he certainly wouldn't do for his personal pleasure. Another friend, Lolita, says, "Shaving for somebody else is sexy and shaving other people is fun -- there is that control thing going on." The Bitch will attest to that, having had the distinct pleasure!

Some shave as prep for hot wax play (so nasty yanking out the hair after the wax hardens!) Some who are very skilled at fire play very carefully singe off chest and pubic hair. Shaving in medical role play scenes could be an "operation." (Which reminds the Bitch: kids, if you try this at home, don't try dangerous new things on humans; get advice from acknowledged experts; practice a lot; use common sense; do remember to exercise all safety precautions! Use brand new blades, keep things as sterile as possible, and have antiseptics, disinfectant and first aid supplies at hand.)

Last Friday night the DC contingent of Phi Diva Kappa had another evening of sparkling dinner conversation and fab foods at a party in Georgetown in the home of the ravishing and charismatic Professor Melinda. The Bitch couldn't resist asking everyone their pube prefs. Nothing like lifting to the lips a flaky pink forkful of perfectly-grilled salmon and having a genteel discussion of electrolysis vs. laser removal for anal hair. Revealed over dinner: we all shave our labia for heightened sensation and access. Three sistahs leave a very precisely-edged triangle up to the natural pube lines and to the side bikini edges. Those who do this call it a "high and tight," like the military buzzcuts, because they are also strict uniform fetishists who order genuine, detail-perfect custom-made Mountie, Marine and cheerleader uniforms, etc. These women turn heads with their polish and style. The Bitch admires their uncompromising commitment to their fetish and thinks they all look dreamy.

Two have multiple piercings and note that is damned hard to shave their labia around them. We compared notes on aftershaves. To avoid redness and irritation, the Professor prefers common cortisone cream. As one of the bigger masochists in the group, Max says she likes it when the stubble is all scratchy and growing out. Susan is also a big masochist and is sad that she has misplaced her epilator, which she loves because it is excruciating when it yanks the hair right out of her cootch. I have watched that sick puppy sit on the bed and grin while she grooms between her legs with that hideous stun gun, like it was a feather.

The Bitch says it's your body hair -- set it on fire; yank it out by the roots; let it grow wild like a riverbank; trim it like a topiary; shave it off like a neonate's bottom. No matter how you decide to wear it, let your freak flag fly and take heart! Someone, somewhere, has a fetish for just your body-hair style (and a pay porn site devoted to it).

Elizabeth F. Stewart, AKA "The Bitch of Dupont Circle" (BoDC), was lovingly given this Nomme de Perv by her mentor in the leather community, because she is a bitch, as well as a denizen of that 'hood in Washington DC. She is an art director (see www.efstewart.com) and writer (see also www.pervgrrl.org), whose fave hobbies include cracking wise, dressing up, getting off, telling others where to get off, and arranging things in an attractive fashion.