GUSTO: BitchSlap by Elizabeth F. Stewart: The gloves are off.

Gazing skyward, marveling at the cloudless, sunny deep blue autumn sky and the first really intense crispy cool air of the fall, (yum, leather weather!) the Bitch friskily strolls down the street in her fabulous Dupont Circle neighborhood of Washington DC. Simply dripping with romantic, mysterious history, darling, it is a cosmopolitan ivory tower, a relatively sophisticated, progressive place where tattooed queers rub elbows with limousine diplomats. Sometimes, in this laissez-faire, multi-culti, turn-the-other-butt-cheek kind of a place, the Bitch even forgets there are people out there who would snatch away freedoms she now takes for granted! The thought of it is enough to spoil even the best archetypic autumn day.

The little Bitch chick wants to stop short of crying that the archetypic autumn sky is falling, The Sky is Falling. But, we do have to watch out for cracks in that delicate shelter of our rarefied existence, as it could come shattering down around our libertine ears. The Compassionless Conservatives spy down on us from their imagined superior perch closer to God in Heaven, all the better to hurl their moral lightening bolts at their sworn earthly enemies -- we, the Godless Sodomites, the bleeding hearts, lefties, do-gooders, baby-killers, tree-huggers, queers, and, naturally, the perverts. Ever semi-vigilant, the smartassed news-junkie Bitch is duty-bound to report a few significant blips on her radar screen this week.

As Tip O'Neill said, "All politics are local." The Bitch's politics are so local they are located between her legs. She takes sexual politics and reproductive rights very personally and is concerned about these issues as an American woman. Researching a number of issues close to her heart, she was surprised to find she had them in common with a very influential right-wing coven: the Concerned Women for America (CWA).

One of their "Core Issues" is "Why Homosexual 'Marriage' is Wrong": "Homosexuals are seeking a special right. They already have the same right to marry the rest of us have -- the right to marry a person of the opposite sex. Limiting marriage to one man and one woman doesn't discriminate on the basis of sex or sexual orientation."

How charmingly, disarmingly, ingeniously disingenuous. These witty, hardworking ladies are instrumental in promoting the "Federal Marriage Amendment," which, as President Bush prefers, will constitutionally ensure that marriage is "between a man and a woman."

And, if, as advertised on that festive website invitation, their MC, My Man, Donald E. "Wild Man" Wildmon, Chairman of the American Family Association, is gonna be "in the house" you know I will be there! A fun guy to have at any party, he is best known for starting the action to censor funding for the National Endowment for the Arts which was enflamed by the now-notorious Andre Serrano "Piss Christ" in 1989. Good times! You have to admit, the guy has an edgy eye for imagery -- a partying dude. Although his landmark "obscenity" victory was overturned in 1990, we still have him to thank for the current confoundingly vague "general standards of decency" criteria employed at the NEA.

As for the marriage thing, the Bitch has never wanted to be a bride, (though she looks stunning in white and lace), has never championed marriage and, other than all those fussy legal benefits that distinguish it from "domestic partnership," she doesn't get why so many het or gay folks want to get married -- but thinks they should be able to, if they insist. She will even buy them the engagement and wedding gifts on the lists at the stores they specify. The Bitch bitchily wishes she had some bachelorette's legitimate reason to "register" at a fabulous store of her choice and draw up a demanding list of goodies for her friends to buy there! Now, there's a "marriage incentive!"

Apparently, the immediate big stink is all about this: "This coming summer, the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court is likely to legalize gay marriage ... The ultimate outcome of our coming national culture war over gay marriage will either be legal gay marriage throughout the United States, or passage of the Federal Marriage Amendment."

Much to the Bitch's annoyance, it occurs to her that there is already a little thing called "The Defense of Marriage Act" bequeathed us by Hillary's husband. If that's the belt, do we need the suspenders of an Amendment? If marriage is so great (with 51% ending in divorce, that is debatable) why does it need so much defending and how does the movement for homosexual participation in that institution diminish that great institution?

Happily there is an Amendment counter-site where one can sign a pledge to "promise not to vote for, or support, any politician who supports adding anti-gay prejudice to the U.S. Constitution."

The Bitch is also concerned about another imminent threat. Roe v. Wade is in danger of erosion from the "partial birth abortion ban" legislation, which passed the House recently and is due before the Senate this week. If it passes, Bush will sign it, whereupon it will be the first abortion-related legislation signed since Roe v. Wade in 1973.

"A great step forward," is how this potential anti-abortion landmark legislation is proudly described by Michael Schwartz, vice president for government relations with CWA. Schwartz called the bill "predominantly a symbolic step, but nonetheless very important symbolism."

If anyone doubts that this legislation is meant to be the poisoned tip of the spear that kills the dreaded Hydra, Roe v. Wade, let that ominous quote from their Hill spinmeister put any doubt to rest.

Abortion in America ain't gonna get any prettier than this current ugliness. Ever-fewer medical schools train students in abortion procedures and ever-fewer doctors and clinics perform abortions. Women who reluctantly choose to terminate their pregnancies often must be escorted by volunteers past picket lines of jeering right-to-lifers. Rifle-toting vigilante cult heroes who are willing to be martyred by lethal injection, assassinate "baby-killing" doctors. If Roe goes, more women will die from illegal abortions.

"Most Republicans believe in the right to abortion," said Leon, my dear, irascible conservative friend, vigorously referring me to this New York Times article:

The Bitch hopes those Republicans and all other pro-choice folks are paying very close attention to the small print when the "partial birth abortion ban" legislation goes to the Senate vote. It could have substantive repercussions, despite the CWA spinmeister's modest claim of a purely "symbolic victory." Apparently the specific legislation as written is said to affect abortion law far beyond just the procedure it would regulate, titularly.

Rep. Louise Slaughter (D-N.Y.) says "the current law does not allow abortions after the first trimester without a doctor's permission. Moreover, in many cases, the procedure is performed only when the baby is found to be without vital organs necessary to survive outside the womb."

Rep. Eleanor Holmes Norton (D-D.C.) said the bill before the House was "the virtual twin" of a Nebraska law, Stenberg v. Carhart, which was ruled unconstitutional by the U.S. Supreme Court in 2000, because that law did not have an exception for the health of the mother and was so vague as to leave unclear what medical practices were being prohibited. Holmes Norton said, "There's not a dime's worth of difference between this law and the Nebraska law."

Leon, who referred me to the Times piece, was my first love and real boyfriend, and is still a best friend. Hashing all of this over we had a heated, rousing good tiff and a giggle on our respective cell phones. He was dangling his tootsies in his Florida cee-ment pond, splashing around; and then I distinctly heard ice cubes clinking into a martini pitcher. (Not that he needs an occasion, but, he is celebrating the advance release of his fab new book, a very exciting, insightful biography of astronaut Neil Armstrong.) We have these "lively debates" sometimes when I marvel at how conservative he's grown and he wonders at how "simplistic" -- and in BitchSlap, how "demagogic" -- my world view is. I delight in reminding him that when we were idealistic, politically radical students in 1970, he gave me the brand new first edition hardback of Kate Millet's "Sexual Politics," which he inscribed in French, "It is for you that I make the revolution! Love, Leon."

He was the best kind of boyfriend a young girl could ever have: doting, patient, caring, supportive and protective. Not that he didn't beg to get laid. But, he knew what was right and important. I still love him for it. And I'm sure his wife and daughter, both of whom he adores beyond words, reap the same benefits of his gentle humanity.

It was so appropriate to talk about women losing any kind of reproductive freedoms with him, of all people. When I was 16, he was 18 and we were in love. We "lost" my virginity together. He helped me to secure birth control pills, which in 1969 required some fancy chicanery for a single, middle-class suburban 16-year-old. Unlike today, when we finally have so many resources for teens, there was next to nothing available for me. I wanted a private doctor who wouldn't know my family, and a comfortable, familiar middle-class setting because I had never even had a pelvic exam before, as the only doctor I had ever been to was my pediatrician. Finally, a college freshman friend in Richmond recommended a doctor there who'd prescribed pills for her. His name was, burlesquely, Dr. Deep.

We brazenly lied to Dr. Deep that I was getting a prenuptial pelvic and consultation. In 1969, doctors wouldn't prescribe birth control to single women. Hard to believe, but oral contraceptives were FDA-approved for general sale in 1960, and until 1965, it was still illegal in many states for even married couples to use any form of contraception! After my first pelvic exam, a truly surreal, out-of-body experience, Dr. Deep told me I had strong, wide child-bearing hips and that I shouldn't have any problems having as many children as my lucky husband wanted. I felt like the blue ribbon breed mare at the county fair. Blushing like an overripe tomato, I said, "Gosh, thank you, Dr. Deep. Um, may I please have my oral contraceptive prescription now?" With that, Leon and I, the two responsible young lovers in love, went back to the cozy Country Setting Motel and fucked like bunnies, happily ever after.

Elizabeth F. Stewart, AKA "The Bitch of Dupont Circle" (BoDC), was lovingly given this Nomme de Perv by her mentor in the leather community, because she is a bitch, as well as a denizen of that 'hood in Washington DC. She is an art director (see www.efstewart.com) and writer (see also www.pervgrrl.org), whose fave hobbies include cracking wise, dressing up, getting off, telling others where to get off, and arranging things in an attractive fashion.