GUSTO: BitchSlap by Elizabeth F. Stewart: The gloves are off.

Momentarily overcome by clients' demands on her professional Bitchiness, the Bitch escapes to the comfy bosom of her lush black leather sofa, reclining in classic melodramatic style, her forearm shielding her eyes from the cruel world, her other delicate hand dangling, wanly clinging to her tortured authoress' ostrich quill, its fluffy plume carelessly trailing along the floor. Some days it seems overwhelming: the responsibilities of maintaining a design career, scribbling a scintillating sex column, plus leading a dizzying social life -- why, it can be stressful enough to practically put a woman off her nookie!

Ladies, you know what the Bitch is talking about. Gentlemen, do you? Some days, one is just not in the mood! A 41-year-old het man, L, says, "For most men (myself included), if the woman knows which buttons to push (nipples are good, for instance), getting 'in the mood' isn't too much of a problem."

According to the 1992 National Health and Social Life Survey, women are far less likely to be "In the Mood." A compilation of interviews with 1,749 women and 1,410 men revealed that "lack of interest" was the most common problem for women. About 33 percent said they "regularly didn't want sex." Fourteen percent of men said they had "no interest in sex."

Other fun facts from this survey: 26 percent of women said they "regularly didn't have orgasms;" 23 percent said sex "wasn't pleasurable." About 33 percent of men said they had "persistent problems with climaxing too early." Eight percent of men said they "consistently derived no pleasure from sex." There are plenty of serious reasons why many of us have problems experiencing sexual pleasure. Everyone has "issues" of some sort around sex. Hell, we all have issues around . . . having issues! And what do we, The Evolved, do with issues? We deal with them. Here are a couple of likely culprits about which the Bitch can make her usual homespun suggestions with no pretensions to professional status of any kind (though as you may recall, she does possess a proper starched nurse's cap and is not afraid to wear it).

For girls who haven't yet done so, pul-eeease learn the fine art of getting busy with your bad selves, i.e. how to masturbate. It doesn't come naturally to all of us females like it seems to with boys. Even the Bitch had to learn it from a book, after losing her virginity. And now look at her -- she's a dame who's wanking 'n' wise to herself!

If you suspect that you or a partner may have a chronically low libido with a physical cause, there are numerous information resources, but see a real doctor. Oprah Winfrey, has a great clearinghouse of information on women's health and sexual response. For resources on men's health issues, there is a long list of links to books on a wide range of pertinent topics.

Critical issues considered, let's now assume that we are only tired, lazy or cranky -- not seriously disinclined toward sex with that special someone, i.e., not sick and tired and angry. As Marvin Gaye put it so smoothly: "Let's get it on." In fact -- put on some "mood" music, which is whatever type of music that works to shift your gears into low. Speaking of Marvin, his classic, smooth soul groove could be just the right vibe (for my taste, far less pimp-a-delic and oil-paint-on-black-velvet than Barry White). In fact, Marvin's "Sexual Healing" reminds one of a steamy night of numb, dumb disco debauchery in Key West, involving too much cocaine and champagne. So, it has nostalgic appeal for the Bitch, transporting her to tropical dens of iniquity in her misspent youth -- kinda sexy.

Apropos to getting "In the Mood," if you really need a jolt to get revved up for a date, and this euphonious," Glenn Miller swing classic doesn't do it -- dial 911!

The Bitch relies on her Mr. X for music to set the mood for us to play by. He has broad musical taste and knowledge, from the au courant compilations by Delerium, to classics, like this favorite, Holst's "The Planets," (especially "Jupiter"). Then there is this departure, the trancey/dynamic, Middle-Eastern-flavored "Passion," by Peter Gabriel, his dramatic soundtrack to Scorcese's epic film, "The Last Temptation of Christ."

The Bitch lives blissfully solo but has some delightful female partners as well as dear Mr. X. As we all must, ultimately -- at times she must seduce herself.

I savor anticipation before a date so we can negotiate all the sexy details, which just makes the date more richly layered. (Although Mr. X. says I am quite talented at shifting gears quickly when he asks permission to drop by on short notice.) Slowing the beat of the outside world's rhythm seems like a natural first step to getting in the mood. The first thing I need to do is to get out of my head and into my body. When time permits before Mr. X visits, I stretch to wake up my circulation and to warm up my . . . unusual range of flexibility, which he admires.

Basking in the sensuality of a hot shower, burnishing my skin and shaving, I apply natural oils to bring out my best tone. My nerves awaken, and I've had time to really focus on my sexual being; to appreciate the time for this ritual, an act of truly caring for myself and my partner, when I prepare myself thoroughly, and present my best self. By now I've also had fun deciding what costume I'll put on, what persona I'll adopt, what we've agreed we may do together. Perhaps there are props or toys to gather, music to select, lighting to arrange, a meal to prepare. The Bitch takes care of herself; focuses her energy; fantasizes and plans hot, fun experiences with valued partners. All that feels very sexy and always puts her "in the mood."

To discover how others manage this common doldrum conundrum -- getting over the hump to getting to hump -- the Bitch asked diverse friends:

M and J, a lesbian couple of 16 years, 39 and 47 years old, tell me that when they feel the need to get in the mood they start with massages. "Touch always gets us going," M says.

L, the 41 year-old het man, married 6 years to K, 40, says they enjoy "Drinking a glass or two of wine, playing a game, being silly together, watching a funny movie, all those are good for getting out of bad moods and getting 'in the mood.' Taking a shower together is cool, soaping each other up. Sexy lingerie sometimes can help. But the most important thing is getting in the right frame of mind."

My old friend, M, 45, a gay guy, does what lots of people probably do when they need to get it up for a date: they get it up. "I play pee pee dicky. Or not. Sometimes I think of Snake Boy." Snake Boy is a carny we saw at a county fair 15 years ago, who was a pathetic disappointment of a sideshow "attraction," supposedly a "wildman of the serpents" or something. But he was really just a hillbilly in a cage, streaked with bad makeup, wearing ragged cut-offs, half-heartedly brandishing rubber snakes in a vaguely threatening manner. He was hunky yet filthy. M still has a revolting crush on him. But certainly the Bitch also has been known to fantasize and to diddle herself before (during and after) a date!

Sometimes after 15 years of marriage, a wife gives up on getting in the mood before sex, and just "performs her wifely duty," spicing it up for herself in the moment. Hardly a veteran of long-term monogamy, the Bitch can only guess, but she strongly suspects, that this happens for both parties long before the 15-year mark! "I think it's less a case of not being in the mood per se, than not being in the mood to have sex with that particular person," confesses E., "So, yeah, you're horny, you just wish there was someone else lying there! Sometimes it's better to lie back and think of England (or John Cusack) and just get it over with."

Susan, one of my very favorite, most fun, hottest partners, (queer/bi, 36), sent me her list of mood enhancers (only a fraction of which fits in this space): "Yeah, the bubble bath thing helps me, candlelight, champagne, chocolate, jazz. Taking a nap, getting a massage, a blindfold for me (if the partner is really ugly), a shower for them (if they stink), having sex in a different place (hotel, kitchen, someplace risky), play fighting (growl), playing animals (horsey). Watching porn, looking at porn, reading porn, masturbating (most effective for fast results. And you know me, as a power tool whore -- I love my Wand.) Did I mention porn? Also, it helps to have hot partners and friends who fulfill fantasies of lesbian gang bangs for me."

OK, now Susan's let the pussy out of the bag. Lesbian gang bang, indeed! Oops -- guilty as charged! But she's just bragging about the fabulous birthday soiree that the Bitch threw for her at the Phi Diva Kappa sorority house! (Not that this is the only one the slut's had.) The festivities started off as innocently and as soigné as you please -- an otherwise proper, civilized gentlemen butch and high femme party with lovely chocolate cake on fine china with sterling and champagne bubbling up vintage crystal hollow-stem glasses. But, we assure you -- after forcing the luckless birthday girl to hear our lovely, lurid, evil plans for her, divulged wickedly and at length during the entire celebration, the tone of the evening took a turn for the predatory and lascivious. Needless to say, none of the eight of us who fulfilled Susan's lovely fantasy had any difficulty "Getting in the Mood."

Elizabeth F. Stewart, AKA "The Bitch of Dupont Circle" (BoDC), was lovingly given this Nomme de Perv by her mentor in the leather community, because she is a bitch, as well as a denizen of that 'hood in Washington DC. She is an art director (see www.efstewart.com) and writer (see also www.pervgrrl.org), whose fave hobbies include cracking wise, dressing up, getting off, telling others where to get off, and arranging things in an attractive fashion.