GUSTO: BitchSlap by Elizabeth F. Stewart: The gloves are off.

The Bitch is an oral freak. Weaned from her baby bottle forcibly and traumatically, over the years she became addicted to everything else she could substitute for oral satisfaction: thumb, fingernails, sweets, cigarettes, alcohol, pot, cocks, clits and nipples. Especially nipples.

Sucker, suckee, it's all good. Nipples are the licking flame on my candle, the scream of my kettle boiling and the breathless, gasping implosion of my cherries jubilee in a scorching flambé!

They are the points at the tip of the breasts. They are the point of living when you are a baby, panicking at the first hunger pang. They are the point of the breasts' existence, suckling a baby. They are the point of exciting desire in men to produce more babies to suckle with lactating breeders. They are the point of Marilyn Monroe's archetypical '50s bullet bra. They are the point of Madonna's Gautier '90s cone bra.

Nipples define the point at which breasts are most functional -- during breastfeeding. The Bitch is a Womb Barren (akin to an Oil, or Cattle Baron), so she relies on hearsay in this area. Some breastfeeding friends say they have occasional erotic sensations or euphoria during feedings, although she usually hears complaints of mild discomfort. To some, that time is the least erotic. A few new fathers tell her they experience an anti-aphrodisiac effect when it dawns on them that the same women's body parts which get them horny are co-opted for motherhood -- "great tits" are "lactating breasts" and "hot pussy" is "birth canal." Some new mothers and fathers enjoy the novelty of nature's all-too-fleeting, albeit leak-prone, boob jobs.

Nipples are also the point at which the breast becomes most erotic. Hence, nipples are the point where the extent of breast exposure becomes pruriently objectionable. Nipples are naughtier than just plumped up, plunging cleavage, or even naked buns in a thong.

Highlighting just the nipple has been trashily exploited for about 60 years with the swingin' sexpot's best-friend: Frederick's of Hollywood traditional "peek-a-boo bra." Not that she doesn't adore the classics, but the Bitch nearly coughed up a hairball reading their new, upscale marketing copy. The current "tasteful" name for the same old sleazy cut-out bra is "open-tipped," like something a sporty Town and Country debutante indubitably wears with the matching crotchless panties (for ease of butt plug insertion) under proper togs for competing in a polo match.

To the opposite effect, nipples are censored to avoid offending or titillating. While I was working as a designer at "U.S. News" in the early '80s, the editor came to the art department waving a photo for a feature story, demanding we airbrush out the erect nipples of a woman standing outdoors in the cold. I was pissed at the poor journalistic judgment and prudery of it, so I bounced my own erect, angry punk nipples into the darkroom and smoked another joint to stick it to the man -- yeah. Then I had the airbrushing done, but I didn't care. Today, Frederick's and Victoria's Secret still airbrush out nipples beneath their sexilicious lingerie. On TV, depending which channel you're watching, you might see nipples on a woman's breast, but you probably see weird little pixilated orbs ineptly floating around with her upper body.

The ravishing and charismatic Professor Melinda, my consultant in all matters politique, reminds me that as much as we enjoyed flaunting them not long ago, we are no longer at liberty to expose our nipples (or genitals) in any DC establishment with a liquor license. The law reads something like this: Public indecency/nudity "is defined as the showing of the female breast with less than a fully opaque covering of any part of the nipple; or the exposure of any device worn as a cover over the nipples and/or areola of the female breast, which device simulates and gives the realistic appearance of nipples and/or areola." This means: completely cover up your nipples -- and don't try sticking your nipples through a loophole in realistic-looking nipple pasties, you irrepressible, exhibitionistic nipple freaks!

DC's regulation was originally written to regulate performers and community standards. Enforcement was relatively lax until a sweeps-week-crazed local TV news muckraker went undercover to a fetish club exposing alleged drug use, which prompted the requisite, grudging police crackdown to the letter of the law -- hence, nipples be gone! At these fetish parties in bars where many female patrons were long-accustomed to being bare-breasted, nipples are now covered with Xs or Os with crossed sticky tape or paint-on liquid latex spots.

Enforcement was totally lax on the very special day when the Bitch auditioned at a topless bar in DC. Just sprung from grad school, I was down on my luck and needed a job. As my first female lover had been an actress/stripper I reasoned, "Why not me?" though I had never been in a strip club. Topless bars have a certain Hopperesque poignancy in the daytime, though some might call it the stench of urine, smoke, stale beer and trenchant desperation. I got onstage in front of three random, plastered barflies and did my superb audition to the blaring jukebox, spinning "Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love," my nipples free as two mockingbirds over Graceland. It would have been so depressing to have been turned down for that job. They did try to tempt the Bitch into the madcap, glamorous life of a showgirl, but she demurred, certain she was destined for a higher calling.

Unlike the Bitch, her first female lover definitely had the sangfroid for that job, despite her hot bod and love of nipple play. However, twice since, I've had long-term lesbian partners who hated having their breasts touched. My overwhelming delight of having female breasts on my sex partner was squelched when they'd smack my hand away. Selfishly, like a starved infant obsessed, I just kept forgetting -- I wanted them so badly. One of the clear advantages of being bi is making love with two sets of responsive female breasts.

Of course men do have breasts and nipples. But why? In his "The Descent of Man," Darwin suggests that "both sexes yielded milk, and thus nourished their young; and in the case of marsupials, that both sexes carried their young in marsupial sacks." Agreeing with Darwin, Dr. Miriam Stoppard, author of "The Breast Book," says that male nipples are more than rudimentary, cheerfully suggesting that "men could develop fully functional breasts given the right hormonal conditions."

Despite men's nipples being practically vestigial, they should still earn a place of honor with the sensual pleasure they can deliver. The Bitch has tweaked many a het male tittie in her time. Men who think it too girlish should relax, open up to the sensation and stop resisting the potential pleasure. "Cosmopolitan" magazine recently listed light nipple play as one of their typical "Sex Secrets to Drive HIM Wild." Gay boys have always known tits are fierce. In fact, gay erotic writer, Simon Sheppard has some excellent titillation tips. These will work on girls, too, trust me.

"One nice thing about nipple play is that it requires no equipment. You can suck on them, stroke them, lick them, squeeze them, and nibble them. And, if the occasion requires, bite them, pinch them, and pretty much torture them, all with your mouth and fingers... The lips and tongue can suction, pull, and bathe a guy's tits, and is a safe way to start out, as is gentle stroking."

One crucial gaffe which only a gay man might be forgiven: forgetting women's nipple sensitivity varies greatly with our monthly cycles. So, men, determine how sensitive she is today before pinching too hard -- especially if she's sucking your cock.

While hands and mouth are really all you need, toys for nipple play can be fun. One needn't buy a toy in a sex shop when many household items are "pervertable" and can be used on nipples to tickle, stroke, scratch, flick, rub, warm or cool. You can have an orgy of sensation with luxurious soft things and gently abrasive things. Tease your partner's nipples while blindfolded -- this really wakes up the nerves! A classic sensual delight is topping nipples with whipped cream or some other yumminess (Nutella, anyone?) and licking off every last drop. An excellent introduction to actively exploring a wide range sensual pleasures and fantasies with a partner is Pat Califia's "Sensuous Magic."

That is theory. This is practice. On his knees before the Bitch, Mr. X gratefully receives his silver-studded black leather collar -- once rigid, now supple with years of being put away wet after loving use. After this tender ritual, Mr. X mischievously reaches up and pinches the nipples tickling his nose. Apparently her luscious bare nipples were just too tempting to resist, standing out like two plump raspberries nestled in mounds of creamy, sweet zabaglione. "Control your lust for me or I'll bind your hands and teach you to ask permission!" But he already has a good grip and pulling away is a predicament. He knows his Mistress' weakness, the little smartass. "I will get you for this, my pet!" the Bitch threatens, giggling indulgently, despite her bad self. When partners switch roles with each other, paybacks are hell! Pinching, laughing and gasping, the Bitch's desire to rule decreases. Her desire to surrender to intense, but pleasurable sensation increases. It literally brings her to her knees. Facing Mr. X., panting, she pinches his nipples hard. Not nearly the sensation junkie the Bitch is, Mr. X. may not outlast her, but it will be an intriguing interlude, whoever succumbs to whatever. In the balance and the focus of this moment, nipples are the point.

Elizabeth F. Stewart, AKA "The Bitch of Dupont Circle" (BoDC), was lovingly given this Nomme de Perv by her mentor in the leather community, because she is a bitch, as well as a denizen of that 'hood in Washington DC. She is an art director (see www.efstewart.com) and writer (see also www.pervgrrl.org), whose fave hobbies include cracking wise, dressing up, getting off, telling others where to get off, and arranging things in an attractive fashion.