Five Wanky Ways to Celebrate Masturbation Month

Ah, the lusty month of May. As H.J. previously noted, May is National Masturbation Month! Your ever-vigilant Gusto buddies have some ideas for making the month extra-special, so pay your electric bill, run a bath, and grab a racy novel to celebrate solo.

1. Add new euphemisms for masturbation to your repertoire. Some of our favorites include, for men, the redundant herpetological metaphor, "Wrangling the invertebrate serpent" and, for women, "Playing clitar." Once you've whet your appetite for more sexual euphemisms, check out The Bald-Headed Hermit and the Artichoke: An Erotic Thesaurus.

2. Spice up the usual blonde-on-blonde-silicone-boobie porn routine by exploring some alterna-porn. Some of "our" favorites (certainly not safe for work!) include That Strange Girl and NakkidNerds (Freaks, Geeks, and Girls in Glasses!).

3. One-half of Gusto loves her toys, so much so that a friend once remarked that the favored small-town toy shop closed shortly after we moved to New York. Hmmm. Not surprisingly, then, in honor of Masturbation Month, we suggest purchasing a new toy! For those who demand attention to aesthetics in their erotic implements, Ducky is a "little fella that's cute and yellow and chubby", and the adorably anglophilic Palace Guard may do the trick. For the professional wanker, the noisy behemoth Hitachi Magic Wand makes up in performance what it lacks in discretion, as does the quieter yet clit-o-riffic Wahl 7-in-1. Learn more about the history of your favorite personal-pleasure-pal by reading up on Good Vibrations's Antique Vibrator Museum.

4. Do some one-handed reading. Whether your tastes range from Victorian Erotica to current erotic fiction, someone somewhere has probably written something that will get you off. Be careful out there, though; you don't want a paper cut on your tingly bits!

5. Participate in Toys in Babeland's Masturbation May Events, which include a "Women Watch Porn" night at NYU's Cantor Film Center.