May 11, 2004
An Open Letter to America's Pizza Retailers
Dear Pizza People of the United States,
Pizza, as we have come to know and love it, has been long been a staple of the American diet. I, for one, salute your tireless innovation and dedication to the customer. Through the years you've given us myriad variations in crust thickness and density. You've found more receptacles for mozzarella than we ever dreamed possible. You pioneered the pizza delivery, the pizza buffet, the tiny plastic implement that holds the box lid off the top of our steaming pie. You gave us somewhere to spend Friday nights in our small Southern hometowns when our friends who dropped acid swore they could hear the cheese.
Pizza retailers, because you've stuck by us in some difficult times, I am only trying to help you when I say that this time you've gone too far. While I recognize that the tried and true sometimes may seem, well, tried, the abominations you are currently foisting on the pizza-eating public are straining our nation's loyalty to the industry. What focus group convinced you that the Steak-Umm-littered Philly Cheesesteak Pizza was a good idea? What Nascar Dad misled you into believing that average Americans want to dip an Overtobascoed Buffalo Chicken slice, suppurating with provolone, into a small tub of Ranch dressing-flavored Xanthan Gum?
I urge you to mend your ways before the Chili Cheese Burger overtakes the pizza as America's favorite food to eat on a Saturday night, stoned, with a three-liter of Sprite Remix. I trust you to come to your collective senses. As always, I am
Very Truly Yours,
Pizza Fan in NYC
Posted by Jennifer at May 11, 2004 5:57 PM
| TrackBack
i could never figure out why they stopped at two crusts
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