April 18, 2004
1040EZ-Wider
It’s 11:00 pm on April 15th and I haven’t mailed off my tax return. I’m not that much of slacker. Really. How did it come to this? First off, let me dispel a little myth about USPS. They don’t all stay open until midnight on April 15th. In the city of San Francisco, population 700,000+, just one post office remains open beyond normal business hours.
Too bad I’m not in San Francisco. I’m in The People’s Republic of Berkeley, wandering the streets in the manner of a lazy fly, following around a guy who says he knows where to find a post office. This is a guy who earlier in the night gave me a xeroxed copy of his business card that has advice on how to take magic mushrooms printed on the back. The advice, by the way, is for the true novice and ranges from the obvious, “Magic mushrooms will alter your sense of reality,” to the puritannical “Mixing magic mushrooms with hash or other drugs will cause a very unpleasant experience.” I’m following this guy with more than a suspicion that he’s tripping on mushrooms at this very moment.
Let me back up a bit. For the past five years, I’ve had a job in an office. Free access to the Inter-web, laser printers, photocopiers, and moral obligation to waste company time has always added up to me filing my taxes at least a week before the deadline. This year I’m “self-employed” so just getting the forms was a hassle. Still, I figured as long as I had those by today, I’d be fine. But as it turns out, the post office will not deliver letters that are without a stamp or not in an envelope. Two things which I do not have.
A little origami knowledge and some glue gets me past the first hurdle, although my return now looks like kindergartener’s craft project and will surely end up in the department of the IRS that handles 1040EZ’s filled out in crayon. The first question the auditor is going to ask is if my mommy is home. By the time I accomplish this feat, not to mention complete the paperwork (including gluing my W2 to the form since I don’t own staples or paperclips), it’s already 7:00 p.m. Okay, I know. I could have gone to Kinko’s. I could have filed online. I could have started back in March. Thing is, giving free office supplies to people like me is like feeding Twinkies to wildlife. Not only do they lose their ability to forage, but they also become aggressive.
A friend has just dropped by to pick me up at my apartment in San Francisco. We’re headed to Berkeley to see a play stage-managed by another friend of ours, and I figure we’ll just swing by the closest post office on the way. As luck has it, he has exactly two stamps in his car so I don’t even have to stand in line at the stamp machine. I am the Dude. I pity my former efficient and non-procrastinating self. I am nodding knowingly to the crowd of fellow slackers standing in front of USPS when I notice the chains around the front doors. That’s when I find out that the only post offices open “in” San Francisco are one on the far side of town, and one at the San Francisco airport, which naturally is located nowhere near the city limits.
Determined that the IRS is not going to make me and my free ride to Berkeley late for this play, I say, “Fuck it. There’s still plenty of time.” About ten minutes later, it’s 11:00 and I’m standing in a parking garage arguing foreign policy with a ‘shroom dealer and a few friends. Two joints are being passed around through the cloud of smoke, one clockwise, one counter-clockwise. Holding a smoldering Thai-stick in each of her two hands, the stage manager reminds me that we have only an hour to get my taxes in the mail. Nevertheless, I am temporarily filled with an unfounded belief that all is right with the world as we set out for the so-called post office. I imagine myself standing proudly before the live television cameras for the obligatory 11 o’clock news filler piece on “So You Think You Waited Untill the Last Minute?”, explaining to the masses that all they need to do is mellow out a little.
Sure enough, we actually find the place. It is surrounded by about a dozen sunken-eyed and confused looking people, shambling about the steps of the closed building like extras from the set of Night of the Living Dead, envelopes still clutched in hand. This is not good news. I have one of those waking up in bed with your shoes still on not remembering how you get there moments which begin with the sentence, “It’s time to make changes in my life.” Then suddenly a girl begins to make an announcement to the crowd. “The closest post office still open is in Oaktown. It’s too far to walk, but if one of you will be kind enough to volunteer, everyone can just give your forms to them.” For a moment afterward, silence. I have access to a car, but I can’t put my friend out any further. Breaking the tension, a elderly man nearby shrugs and quietly declares, “I guess I’ll do it.”
Remember when all the grey colors change to rainbows and Skittles fall from the sky like delicious rain in that commercial? Well, it's kind of like that. People are passing their taxes to the scruffy bearded man, patting him on the shoulder and shaking hands with each other. After giving my own thanks, I approach the girl and her friend who organized this unlikely love-in and who seemed to be the only ones not holding an envelope. “So you’re just standing out here to help people mail off their taxes?” I question. “We’ve been doing this for years.” she explains with raw nonchalance. “We used to come out here with our Mom.” I sincerely marvel at the mother of this young woman who couldn’t have been older than sixteen, and I tell her so.
I return to my group of friends and we all agree it’s time to get a beer. Some in the crowd begin to wander back into the darkness as others arrive with that pitiable expression in their eyes, their IRS curses still unbroken. Score one for the Lebowskis of this world, I think to myself. I am reminded that one person can make a difference as I watch the bearded philanthropist gather the thick bundle of envelopes under his arm, hop on his bicycle, and pedal off in what I truly hope is the direction of Oakland.
Posted by mattthew at April 18, 2004 6:29 PM
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Why do I imagine you with a handlebar mustache a la Sam Elliott after this story?
brilliant. :)
you managed to work skittles into the post too.
Sorry that i am a bit of topic here.
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I like how you put your words together. If you are interested could you email me your rates.
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