Don't mind the swishing sound

Nevermind that swishing sound coming from underneath Judge Thompson's bench -- he's just using his penis pump during the trial.

Ms. Foster saw Judge Thompson masturbate on a number of occasions and during the course of her employment, saw his penis fifteen to twenty times. On one occasion, Ms. Foster saw Judge Thompson holding his penis up and shaving underneath it with a disposable razor while on the bench. She saw him put lotion on his penis on more than one occasion while on the bench.

Those crazy Danes

I really doubt this will curb at-work porn surfing. I wonder if Scandinavian porn is any better than, say, Belgian? I should...get back to work.

Bag of Bones

The Museum of Sex in NYC may be a dud, but perhaps the Iceland Phallological Museum is a real stud. If you're too impoverished or busy to visit Bjork's homeland, you can always buy your own reproductive tools here. (Thanks, Tobs!)

The ladies love Benicio

It's difficult to say who got the better deal in this exchange, but I'll put my money on the elevator. From the UK Sun:

MOVIE starlet Scarlett Johansson has confessed to having sex with actor Benicio Del Toro — in a hotel LIFT.

Scarlett, 19, was spotted rushing off with the Puerto Rican tough guy after a party.

The beauty invited Benicio, 37, up to her room after snogging in front of amazed onlookers at the Chateau Marmont hotel before the Oscars ceremony in February.

But she has admitted they never made it out of the lift before lust took over.

Songs to Wank To

We were going to put together a list of our own in our series of posts about Masturbation May, but fuck it -- this guy has done it for us (thx, happy scrappy).

Although most of the playlist is solid, we have to admit to a queasy bemusement about his/her having included The Brady Bunch's rendition of "O Come All Ye Faithful." That's an O-stopper, if you ask me... and in the deal-closing last song spot. But hey, whatever gets you off, dude.

p.s. Suggestion - "Orgasm Addict" by the Buzzcocks.

Five Wanky Ways to Celebrate Masturbation Month

Ah, the lusty month of May. As H.J. previously noted, May is National Masturbation Month! Your ever-vigilant Gusto buddies have some ideas for making the month extra-special, so pay your electric bill, run a bath, and grab a racy novel to celebrate solo.

1. Add new euphemisms for masturbation to your repertoire. Some of our favorites include, for men, the redundant herpetological metaphor, "Wrangling the invertebrate serpent" and, for women, "Playing clitar." Once you've whet your appetite for more sexual euphemisms, check out The Bald-Headed Hermit and the Artichoke: An Erotic Thesaurus.

2. Spice up the usual blonde-on-blonde-silicone-boobie porn routine by exploring some alterna-porn. Some of "our" favorites (certainly not safe for work!) include That Strange Girl and NakkidNerds (Freaks, Geeks, and Girls in Glasses!).

3. One-half of Gusto loves her toys, so much so that a friend once remarked that the favored small-town toy shop closed shortly after we moved to New York. Hmmm. Not surprisingly, then, in honor of Masturbation Month, we suggest purchasing a new toy! For those who demand attention to aesthetics in their erotic implements, Ducky is a "little fella that's cute and yellow and chubby", and the adorably anglophilic Palace Guard may do the trick. For the professional wanker, the noisy behemoth Hitachi Magic Wand makes up in performance what it lacks in discretion, as does the quieter yet clit-o-riffic Wahl 7-in-1. Learn more about the history of your favorite personal-pleasure-pal by reading up on Good Vibrations's Antique Vibrator Museum.

4. Do some one-handed reading. Whether your tastes range from Victorian Erotica to current erotic fiction, someone somewhere has probably written something that will get you off. Be careful out there, though; you don't want a paper cut on your tingly bits!

5. Participate in Toys in Babeland's Masturbation May Events, which include a "Women Watch Porn" night at NYU's Cantor Film Center.

Finally, it's a theme month I can get with

May is Masturbation Month. (via JVG)