|
ARTS & MEDIA: October 31
The Power Ballad
Hall of Fame
by Matt Besterman
"Oh, turn that crap off," I say to my wife. Three Doors
Down has just come on the car radio, soulfully crooning, "I'm
here without you baby/But you're still with me in my dreams,"
and I'd gladly run off the road if it would shut that song up. "I
kind of like it," she says. "I like power ballads."
It's true, the power ballad is a viable musical form. But as with
every musical form, there are good power ballads and bad power ballads.
Three Doors Down has written a bad power ballad, but the fact that
it's all over the radio is testimony to how much people love those
things.
Well, I've got the place for them. I've decided to gather the world's
best power ballads under one roof. Welcome to the Power Ballad Hall
of Fame.
The moment you walk in, you know you're in the presence of greatness.
The grand entrance foyer is adorned with a mural featuring the holy
trinity of power ballads: Steven Tyler, Jon Bon Jovi, and Bryan
Adams. The lobby gift shop sells nothing but Bic lighters.
You start with the Aerosmith wing, where you can hear endless recordings
of classics like "Crazy" and "Cryin'." And you
won't want to miss the "Don't Want to Miss a Thing" interactive
exhibit, where you can sit in a full-size mockup of the space shuttle
from "Armageddon" and watch an animatronic Ben Affleck
staring soulfully out the window, while holographic images of a
saintly Liv Tyler are projected outside.
Afterwards, why not stroll on down to the Bryan Adams wing? "Heaven"
is always a crowd-pleaser, but of course the main attraction is
the "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves" exhibit. There you
can hear "Everything I Do (I Do it For You)" in Dolby
Surround Sound, while a life-size, naked Kevin Costner robot washes
himself in a real waterfall.
It's hard to top that, but the Bon Jovi wing comes close. You haven't
lived until you've sat in "Giants Stadium" (a virtual-reality
projection) and heard "Never Say Goodbye" with real crowd
noise piped in.
After that, you'll want to spend some time in the Power Ballad Archives,
reading up on the history of the power ballad. The exhibit features
everything from the Who's "Behind Blue Eyes" to the Red
Hot Chili Peppers' "Under the Bridge," to the complete
works of Matchbox 20.
Of course, the Hall of Fame wouldn't be complete without a Women
of the Power Ballad exhibit. Ann and Nancy Wilson get the place
of honor here, although a Faith Hill wing is under construction.
By now even the hardiest power-ballad devotees have had enough.
And let's face it, after hours perusing the Hall of Fame, you'll
need to clear all this cheese out of your head. Wait! What's this
little room next to the exit? Why, it's Power Ballad Detox. Pay
an extra five bucks, enter one of the soundproof chambers, and sing
along to "Add it Up" by the Violent Femmes: "WHY
CAN'T I GET/JUST ONE FUCK!" A true anti-power ballad if ever
there was one.
Indeed, the Power Ballad Hall of Fame is an idea whose time has
come. Potential investors, you know who to call.
 About
Matt Besterman
Matt Besterman is a writer, musician,
and TV news producer. He lives in the exurbs of NYC.
Talk at the The Water Cooler
|
